Eminent leadership - tell me if that sounds better
About gender-inclusive language
Voor NEDERLANDS ga naar marleen-mulder.nl
Dear pioneer, trailblazer, fellow explorer, (I’m trying to see how I can best address you).
I have to admit that I struggle with gender-inclusive language. But I seem to be getting some perspective now, maybe you can help me peel this onion further 🧅.
To everyone who took part in the survey in the last letter, thank you! In this letter, I continue to address the strong desire to allow more femininity in the world, while also having conversations lately where the words seem to do the exact opposite of that.
NEW! I’m inviting you to join my next conversation in a live video call on leadership on March 8. Find out more and sign up here, or read to the end to find out more.
NEW II: for those of you who received this letter in your mailbox, I’m introducing a slightly new design for these Letters of Encouragement, I hope you like it!
Would you like to read the previous letter again or did you miss it? Here it is!
‘For this year’s Women’s Day, I keep coming back to wanting to “make space” and allow more femininity in the world. In each of our lives, in each of our professions. Appreciating all that is seen as feminine, the liberating feeling that comes with it and the healing powers it can bring to the world.
That takes great courage. To explore the feminine in yourself, to see and appreciate it in others, and then to embrace it as a force for change. There is still a lot of space to create for all of this. Are you with me on this journey?’
“Maaaannn!”
I find myself talking to men about the words used in feminism and their effectiveness. Here are three conversations I have had in the past month.
“Should you use the words ‘feminine leadership’? Because that doesn’t appeal to me as a man”.
But do I want it to appeal to you? Am I trying to appeal to men when I explore what femininity in leadership means? Absolutely. But not just men and not just women, all genders should feel invited to participate in shaping this topic. That got me thinking: what words do I use or not use then?
So I have to change my words so that you feel included? Don’t you love how men (this man) tell you outright what they need and expect you to accommodate pronto? And how I immediately take it upon myself to make that happen? (Aye, aye, Captain!) If only we could manage to reverse this dynamic from time to time… the mirrors we are presented with in our quest for diversity and inclusion.
Want to see how gender roles are reversed in fiction? Check out Barbie (available on HBO Max). Barbie lives in matriarchal Barbieland, a world in which she feels comfortable. But when that suddenly begins to change, she visits the patriarchal "real world" and does not have it so easy there. Ken, on the other hand, discovers the patriarchy and how well it suits him. He has never known anything other than a world in which women are at the helm.
Seeing that made me sad, because I can identify with Ken in this story. I’ve never known anything but the patriarchy - but that’s not what's sad. What makes me sad is that I/we find it so hard to imagine anything else.
The next conversation took place digitally - by email.
“Could you please remind me which days you work and which you are off with your child?”
This question, and you will only understand this after reading the next example, elicited a bold and loud: “Maaannn”!
When you become a parent, you learn what it means to spend a day with a child. And you learn what it means to spend the vacations (free time) with a small child. Days ‘at 'work’ now seem so calm and focused. Your world is turned upside down. You completely redefine the term "having time off". And my answer to this question was this:
“In my life right now, all days are work days. On the days when I am without my child, I generally experience more freedom. These days are Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
There was humor in this answer, but also a Big Voice, wanting to turn the image around: Raising a child is also work. If you want to learn more about how women are using the Big Voice, read this encouraging post here on Substack from As I was Saying with Poorna Bell.
In this series of examples of conversations I’ve had with men about gender-inclusive language in recent weeks, this is a bit of an odd one (“So you’re saying the others weren’t, Marleen?”) - because this was a conversation with myself….... please let me explain.
“Maaaannn!”
I tend to yell - to no one in particular - when something goes wrong. “Maaaannn!” seems to be my favorite word. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this, but this week I've caught myself doing it and realized it’s wrong in so many ways!
Blaming a man (any man or all men) for what just went wrong doesn't seem fair or right
I often write about gender equality and inclusion in these letters, how can I say such things in my personal life?
Would it be better to shout out any of the other genders instead? 🤔 Better? I don't think so. Funny, for sure. Effective? No (although the laughter might alleviate the anger or frustration at that moment).
Is it offensive?
Am I shouting "man" because I need to be rescued? Oh, how uncomfortable I am with that thought! But I will put it in, just to explore it as deeply as possible. And maybe cure myself of it right after.
Shania did it….... And I guess her 1997 ‘Man! I feel like a woman’ (from the ‘Come on over’ CD I bought when I was nine) made a lasting impression.
“I believe every great leader of their own destiny is fearless. There is no other way to be. Aware, but fearless” - Shania Twain
“Not just a girl” is a documentary by Shania Twain that has just been released on Netflix. Right at the beginning, Shania says, “I believe that every great leader of their own destiny is fearless. There is no other way to be. Aware, but fearless”. And then there’s the bonus of another hour and twenty-eight minutes in this documentary.
On the meaning of the song ‘Men! I feel like a woman’, Shania says: “Hey, it’s great being a woman today, raise your voice and have some fun doing it.” And that’s a point we often forget. It's great to be a woman today, maybe better than ever before, thanks to all those who came before us. We’re not quite there yet in the movement for equality, but we’re better off than ever, right? (Which Shania believed was already so 25 years ago when she released the album).
And then there’s the element of fun. That is so often completely thrown overboard with all the seriousness that comes with our yearning for change. Having some fun along the way makes all the difference and is so powerful and inviting!
When she says ‘be a leader of your own destiny’ - which I believe Shania is, after watching the documentary - she emphasizes having to be fearless if you want to achieve that. I believe she sees fear (a major topic in my Letters of Encouragement) not as something to deny or ignore, but something to have to go beyond.
So maybe I’ll keep my ‘maaaan!" shouts after all. Watching this documentary, I found a little part of me again, the nine-year-old one, that I like. And my thirty-six-year-old self now understands better why the album resonated so much with me back then.
More than words
But words are just words. In our society, we focus a lot on words, but do they have much power when conveying messages or connecting with others?
When speaking in public, the actual words we use only account for 7% of our efforts to get our message across. Up to 38% is determined by tonality (low/high/variety/speed) and the biggest part, 55%, is our non-verbal communication (Marije Wielenga).
I wonder if this distribution is the same in 1:1 conversations and group sessions. Let’s test it with the three examples in this letter.
“Should you use the words ‘feminine leadership’? -because that doesn’t appeal to me, as a man”. This was a 1:1 conversation on the phone, meaning that in addition to the words, there was also the tone of voice and some minor unspoken messages (a sigh, a pause, or a laugh). And now that I think about it, this person highlighted more words of mine during the conversation. And only the ones he didn’t like or agree with. And then he explained why, without really answering my question. Bottom line: the words were a big distraction.
“Could you please remind me which days you have off with your child?”- it was an email conversation, meaning there was 0% tone of voice, 0% non-spoken communication, and 100% words. Bottom line: both parties in this email thread had a good laugh over this (thankfully). And the words sparked curiosity: an invitation to understand and get to know each other better.
“Maaaannn!” - that was a conversation with myself. And this was all about the tone of voice. The amount of emotion I was able to put into this long maaaaaaannn. Bottom line: the actual word never had any meaning for me.
So in this little experiment, it can go either way. Words can help or not help a situation. So how can you know if and when your language is gender-inclusive?
And if it's hard for me, and I’ve been focusing on this for several years, maybe more people struggle with it (consciously or, worse, unconsciously!). And could "more people" even be ALL people who struggle with it?
Eminent leadership
In any case, I don’t want words to be the reason we can’t get it right. There are so many words! Let’s try another one. Above all, words must not be something that we stumble over, get stuck behind, or are held back by.
So how about this?
FEMININE > EMININE > (EMINEM 😆 >) EMINENT
Feminine becomes eminent
Feminity becomes eminence
E · m i · n e n c e : the state of being famous, respected, or important (Cambridge Dictionary). Latin eminēre, meaning “to stand out”. Synonyms: distinguished, outstanding, prestigious, illustrious, famous, notable (Merriam Webster).
So if I revisit my Women’s Day intention here at the top (from last month’s letter), it would look like this:
“For this year’s Women’s Day, I keep coming back to wanting to “make space” and allow more eminence in the world. In each of our lives, in each of our professions. Appreciating all that is seen as eminent, the liberating feeling that comes with it, and the healing powers it can bring to the world.
That takes great courage. To explore the eminent in yourself, to see and appreciate it in others, and then to embrace it as a force for change. There is still a lot of space to create for all of this. Are you with me on this journey?”
Side note: I am neither a native speaker nor someone with a Catholic background. So I am now relying on you to tell me if this word is a suitable substitute. Or do you feel we should stick with feminine leadership? Or perhaps we take the words from Shania and continue with ‘leader of your own destiny’. Maybe you have another word we can use, please leave it in a comment. What suits you best? Please let me know your opinion in the poll below.
Semantics…
The bottom line? Meaning. Words have meaning. And what that meaning is is very personal, because words activate massive a variety of brain connections and feelings that are unique to each individual. You’ll have a reaction
when I say ‘feminine leadership’
or to when Shania says: ‘leader of your own destiny’
or when I test ‘eminent leadership’
And that’s what gender (e)quality should be all about: the appreciation of unique qualities, perspectives, and experiences of each individual regardless of gender. (And the alarmbells that should be ringing in your organization when individuals all have the same qualities.)
Can we be sensitive to this?
These reactions, ideas, these words, feelings, experiences, they need to bounce. They cannot stay in our heads or under our skin. They have to go into the ether and fly free, don’t you think?
At first, while having these conversations, it didn’t feel like they were supporting my mission to create more space for ‘eminence’. Yet without them, I would not have written this letter. They have helped me explore my thoughts and perspectives (of myself and others) and explore my boundaries and limitations. And I hope they have done the same for you if you have read this far.
In conclusion, there is much more to explore. Such a buzz kill, pieces that end with ‘questions for additional research’. So I’m going to propose something else: we need to have more conversations.
Up next - an invitation
So next I’ll be hosting two more conversations (online) on Friday, March 8 - International Women’s Day - and you can join!
We’ll be exploring these exact topics together. So, dear reader, here’s your invitation and encouragement to shine your light. Go from reader to community member. Share your personal story, and in return, tap into the inspiring stories of others. This is your invitation to join in on the conversation with me and others in this community too.
Learn how you relate to yourself and others by examining topics from our everyday work and life that aren't often talked about.
Express your perspective on these matters in a safe and playful environment.
Boost your style of leadership considerably just by having a conversation.
It will be the first time we lift off from words in writing to actual interaction and getting to know each other more. I’m not sure if you’re ready for that. I know I am, I would love to have a live conversation with you and make space for these stories.
Not for you? But does someone come to mind who might appreciate this, please forward this invitation.
Session 1 — Friday, March 8, 12-1 PM, online
Eminent Leadership: language sensitivity in leadership
We change the language from 'feminine' to 'eminent' and explore what this might do (more than "female leadership" could).
what is eminency in the workplace?
why is it needed?
what does it look like?
who benefits?
Together we’ll be shaping this concept and exploring what language can do to enhance gender-inclusive leadership.
Session 2 — Friday, March 8, 3-4 PM, online
More than words: an exchange to enhance leadership across genders
We’ll share more stories where words helped, complicated, or inspired. What words were they? What situations? And what individual qualities? Can you relate to these stories? Are you aware of the (in)effectiveness of your language?
Together we’ll discover what language can do to enhance gender-inclusive leadership.
Due to limited time (1 hour max.) and my inability to connect to more than 6 people a day in video calls, seats to these conversations are limited. We’ll have a maximum capacity of 4 per session, myself included, so 3 seats are available per session.
Since this is the first time I’m offering this in this way, sessions are free of charge.
Hope to see you next week and otherwise, you’ll be hearing again from me next month, in a new Letter of Encouragement. Expect science, tech, the future, and spirituality.
See you then!
Love,
Marleen